I can’t no matter how hard I try, recall the actual date, but I remember the day’s events so clearly.
It was a day just like the 100 that came before it. I had pressed my snooze button 7 times too many and was running late for work. I had already lost my temper four times, and the kids where all angry as heck with me. I had forgotten to make lunches the night before, so we where all scrambling trying to get ready and out the door before the kids missed the bus, and I was stuck in the two and a half hours of traffic that awaited me if I was not gone from the house before 8:15 am on the dot!
I didn’t make it, it was well after 8:30 am by the time I got out of the house and started the car. I had to wait for it to defrost, then clear it all off, and make sure my clutch had warmed enough that I could change the gears. I was so frustrated with myself, I should have just gotten out of that friggin bed the first time the alarm went off! Seriously, why was I fighting the inevitable so hard?
I was starting to find getting out of bed harder and harder every day. I did not want to face the list of things I had NOT accomplished, and all the things I was NOT doing right on our daily morning calls at work. I did not want to hear about how so and so said 10 years ago that the big wigs at the head office where going to do all these wonderful things, and how they didn’t so now it was all my fault. I didn’t have the patience to listen to people complain about how bad I was at my job, backhandedly send more people my way to complain about literally nothing, or try to lift other people’s self-image out of the garbage, when I myself felt like an over stuffed turkey, and hated how I felt and looked.
I didn’t want to face the excruciating back pain that would hit about 20 minutes into my drive to work, or the migraine that would hit everyday just after lunch. I didn’t want to work 50 hours a week on a salaried pay of 27. I no longer wanted to miss out on EVERYTHING my family was doing, so corporate could take fancy vacations and send us videos telling us how if we just worked that little bit harder, we too could have it all. I started to feel like I was living outside of my integrity. I was sick to my stomach trying to make sales to people who were so beyond their means it would be like bankrupting them, all for the big guy to see that I could make budget. I no longer felt like I was living within my true purpose. My body always hurt, I had gained so much stress weight my yoga pants didn’t fit anymore, and my family was a mess.
I was so late leaving the house that day that I was stuck in traffic for almost three hours. I sat in my car, thinking about all the things that where in my life, that I did not want in my life. I wanted to leave my job so badly, but I had NOTHING to go to. I had no exit strategy. My husband is self-employed, and he had not yet lined up contracts for the upcoming months. I felt stuck, there is no way we could survive without some kind of income. In absolute desperate frustration I burst out.
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“What do I do! I am so tired, and overworked, and desperate! I have a family, they require MONEY!! Just give me a sign! If I am supposed to leave my job, get Justin contracts! I can only give you two weeks, I don’t have longer than that, I need an answer!”
I screamed at the top of lungs, tears all over my face, in my car on the parking lot that is the local highway in the mornings. I know there where people in the cars on both sides of me, they may have been live streaming my breakdown on social media, but I didn’t care. I felt like I was cracking under the weight of it all, and I screamed at the universe, gave all that was in my mind to a greater power then, I felt a release. I started to feel the weight lifting. I knew that in two weeks I would have an answer. I didn’t know what the answer would be, but I knew I would be guided to it, and I could stop stressing about it.
I told no one of my car meltdown, I just went about my day, sucking at my job, not hitting my budgets, and listening to complaining. But something was different today, I no longer felt the weight of it. I no longer felt like I had to sell something to someone who I knew was absolutely the wrong thing to do. I felt like I had finally learned to see that I deserved the help, love and self compassion that I was giving to others. By finally reaching out to ask for help, I was starting to show me, that I mattered too. I was learning to love me too!